The White Zone
by Jaina Kenobi
Summary: SWST but we didn't trash either... it was 2:07 in the morning and we had way too much time on our hands. It was fun to write, though, and it's fun to read... what have you got to lose?


Title: The White Zone 

Authors: Obi's Jaina & Starbucks

Category: crossover, humor, (insert category name of choice here)

Summary: Star Wars/Star Trek Voyager crossover: a result of late nights, too much time on our hands and suppressed emotions.

Rating: PG-13, just to be safe

Disclaimer: It's not ours. We're not making any money. However, if we were making money, I have a feeling we would be purchasing two very lucky young men... And with that we'll let your imagination take over. Careful, this fic is only rated PG-13!

"Only two people in the entire universe would be awake at one o'clock in the morning writing the ultimate fanfic. And here we are," Crystal muttered under her breath as Brittany's fingers pounded the keyboard.

"What's that now?" Brittany asked absently as she concentrated on the passage she was typing. "Actually, we're probably not the only ones, we're just the best ones."

Crystal laughed. "Ah, yes, and here we have a perfect example of Brittany's incredibly swelled ego."

Brittany didn't answer except to give her friend what could have been the nastiest look this side of Jupiter. Crystal just grinned and stuck out her tongue defiantly.

"Hey, Brittany, it's my turn to type!" Crystal mock-whined.

Brittany didn't respond except to keep pounding furiously. Crystal tried to yank the keyboard away from her friend. Brittany kept typing.

"Come on, Brittany, this time I'm not kidding," Crystal warned, flipping her hair behind her shoulder defiantly.

"Hey, you know what, BACK OFF!" Brittany shouted as she stared at the computer screen trying to remember the wonderfully witty phrase she had been trying to type. It never came.

Crystal grabbed Brittany's hair and gave it the good hard yank that her younger sister had taught her so well. Brittany's hands flew to her head.

"What the hell? That really hurt, dammit!" Brittany shouted.

While Brittany's hands were preoccupied clutching her aching head, Crystal snatched the keyboard.

"Booya, Brittany!" Crystal pointed and laughed at Brittany before she brilliantly finished Brittany's almost "wonderfully witty phrase".

"Oh, no you don't!" Brittany cried as she lunged at the pilfered piece of equipment. Grabbing the edge of the keyboard, she forced Crystal to stop tainting her story with Crystal-talk. Suddenly, the computer went crazy as asd;lghagjz'xlckgnwegj sa'ldfkgnnhy5;5;i5; e45j d9se5ns appeareed on the screen at random intervals. The girls were furiously tugging on the strained keyboard as never-to-be-repeated words flew across the room. The girls didn't notice the strange sounds emitted by the electronic devices next to them, and the strange blue-white aura engulfing the room escaped their attention as well. The last thing they remembered was a violent explosion as the strained keyboard finally gave in to their yanking and snapped in half.

Obi-Wan Kenobi was bored out of his mind... again. Once he got to the planet (what was it called again? Sondria?) they were currently assigned to assist, he knew he wouldn't have time to be bored, but long space flights had a tendency to get on his nerves. Qui-Gon Jinn had given him a datapad full of information on the planet, and supposedly he was supposed to be reading it, but with his memory he would only have to read it once and he could recite it word for word. So he decided to wait until he really needed to know something.

A sudden alarm ringing through the ship startled him into a semi-functional state as he jumped up and ignited his lightsaber in the battle-ready state all Jedi were trained to jump at the first sign of trouble. An instant later the welcome distraction was dissipated as the pilot came onto the comm.

"Sorry about that, the alarm system was malfunctioning again. Half the time it reacts to something that's not there, the other half it doesn't react to something that is there. Wonderful system."

_Great, we have a pilot with a sense of humor,_ Obi-Wan thought glumly. It wasn't that he hated humor, but he was just in a bad mood. Whacha gunna do.

The alarms kept buzzing angrily as the ship's crew worked to silence the demanding alert. It wasn't working all too well. Qui-Gon made his way into the room, obviously looking for something to do other than re-read the information Yoda had provided them about their mission.

"Bored, Padawan?" he asked with a slight smile.

Obi-Wan smiled back. "Yeah. How could you tell?"

Qui-Gon gave him a mock-admonishing look. "Have you read over the briefing yet?"

Obi-Wan looked off to the side. "I suppose you wouldn't believe me if I told you that I had?" Qui-Gon shook his head. "Didn't think so. No, I haven't read it yet."

"Perhaps you should do that, then, huh?" Qui-Gon suggested, raising his eyebrows.

Obi-Wan let his eyes fall. "Yes, Master." He turned back to his small travel bag to dig for the datapad. Before he got there, though, somebody finally managed to turn off the alarm and a violent jolt sent a shudder through the entire ship. A flash blinded the Jedi as their connection to the Force was temporarily put on hold.

Women, sand, and water: the perfect combination of nature's finer creations as far as Tom cared. Shore leave on a tropical planet with a humanoid species that had far superior kitchen skills to those of Nelix. Leola root sandwiches were way past the thick red line Tom had drawn of what he would put his digestive system through.

"Hey, Seven you on your way to the transporter room?" he called ahead to the cat suit-wearing ex-drone.

"Affirmative Mr. Paris. Why do you require such information?" Seven's personality, much like the Doctor's, left much to be desired.

"Simple curiosity, Seven. Ya know, when a nice fun-loving guy asks a workaholic regenerating lady what she's doin', she then answers in plain English and they continue a friendly chat till they reach the transporter room. Well, would ya look at that, we're already there. Nice talkin' to ya, hope you have fun and learn to be a bit more sociable." Tom tended to rattle on when Seven of Nine was near him; it kept her blunt thoughts out of his hearing range (usually).

"I fail to see how that was a 'friendly chat' when you were the only one to speak, Mr. Paris." Seven had secret yearnings to put "Mr. Paris" in his rightful inferior place. "I will be joining you on your journey to the transporter room and during the transportation."

"Whoopdee-friggin-doo," Tom muttered as the doors "whooshed" open.

"My hearing failed to pick up the sound waves that your vocal chords produced." Seven replied.

"Liar."

Tom and Seven of Nine walked into the transporter room and Tom winked at whichever of the Dalany sisters was working the console.

"Vacationing with the Borg, Tom?" Dalany asked.

"Yup," _and I didn't even volunteer for Borg baby-sitting._

"Ready?"

"As I'll ever be." Tom crossed his fingers and hoped for the best; he had recently read old stories of transporter "incidents". Pretty gruesome, to say the least. Tom actually felt his molecules being broken down when suddenly in the last moments of his consciousness he heard the Dalany sister let loose a long string of foul words he had personally taught her.

Crystal groaned and held her head as she woke up from the... whatever had just happened. She glanced over at Brittany, but her friend was still asleep.

"Should I wake her up and let her suffer now, or let her sleep and make her suffer later?" she wondered out loud. Pausing for a moment, she shrugged. "Eh, why wait?"

She stood up (slowly, she still hurt almost as bad as Brittany soon would) and headed over to where her companion lay. She wasn't quite sure what to do, so she gently nudged her with her shoe. When Brittany didn't answer, she tried a little harder. Still no answer. "BRITTANY! WAKE UP!" she shouted as she shook her sleeping friend about as hard as she could.

"OUCH!" Brittany shouted. "Okay, okay, I'm up already! Jeez! I feel like somebody set a blaster on stun and aimed at me. Never again will I wonder what exactly Jaina was feeling as she woke up and found herself en route to the Shadow Academy. Speaking of which, where are we, anyway?"

Crystal shrugged. "I don't know. And it's not a blaster. It's a phaser. And what the devil is the Shadow Academy? Are you talking STAR WARS at me again?"

Brittany grinned. "Uh, yeah. Blaster. Blasters have the "stun" setting. Waking up from stun is not a pleasant experience. I was making a comparison to a galaxy I happen to be somewhat well versed in. I barely even know what a phaser is and I don't even know what they look like, so why don't you just lay off?"

"Trek talk now. Phaser. Two settings "stun" and "kill", don't confuse them. Waking from a stun is rather time consuming and results in harsh feelings towards the shooter. It's compact, complex, and effective. Nuff said. Now I whanna go home."

"You and me both, Crystal. But blasters have more settings which mean more power—" here she grinned in a way that made Crystal back away slowly--"so: 'low' setting means you want to injure without actually killing or you want to kill some small rodent or crustacean or other insignificant animal. 'Medium' setting means you want to cause permanent damage and/or destroy something not wearing armor or rather tough scales. 'High' setting means you will be seeing them in the next life. End of story. Now let's get around to this business of figuring out where we are, how we got here and how we plan on getting back home. Sound good?"

"Did you breathe during that lovely little speech/tirade of yours? Didn't think so. Phasers are straight forward, just like me. Now what do ya say to a stroll around the park and see who or what we can scope out?" Crystal was desperately clinging to what sanity her genes had left her.

"I say 'what are we waiting for?'" Brittany answered with a grin. "Never mind, you wouldn't get it, Star Wars joke. Let's go walking."

They headed off in a fairly reasonable direction (or what seemed reasonable at the time) to go and see what there was to see. There really wasn't much to see; except for a rather large tree off in the distance there was nothing there but a bland white. Until they heard a small explosion behind them.

"What the hell was that?" screamed Crystal, whirling to see what was going on behind her. Brittany couldn't say anything; she was too busy gaping at the unprecedented spectacle before her.

Finally, she seemed to find her voice. "Tha—tha—it's—you've got to be kidding me—no WAY! If I didn't know better, I would swear to you that those two men are Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn! Or Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson, but for some reason I don't think they usually run around dressed like Jedi Knights unless they're filming STAR WARS."

"Maybe they were filming STAR WARS," Crystal said sarcastically.

"Not likely," Brittany said, completely missing her friend's banter as she half-ran towards the men. "Episode 1 has been on video for two years and Qui-Gon died at the end of that one. Besides, they've finished filming Episode 2 and haven't started Episode 3 yet."

"Right... I really didn't need the technical rundown, but thanks anyway," Crystal said.

Brittany knelt down next to the younger one. "Crystal, if I faint, will you catch me?" "Oh, Force, he's even hotter in real life. Crystal, get ready to catch me!"

Crystal rolled her eyes. "Oh for crying out loud, why don't you wake him up and tell him that while he can hear you."

Brittany gaped. "You are kidding, right? I mean, I couldn't tell him that! Look at him! He's absolutely sexy! I'm melting over here! And you want me to tell him that? Are you CRAZY? This is like Brad dancing with me at Homecoming times about 20,000,000! This is the Obi-One-And-Only! I can't just tell him that I think he's—"

Her words were cut short by a low groan as the Jedi in question began to regain consciousness. "What the..."

Brittany really wanted to say something. Unfortunately, she was too busy being shocked to say anything intelligible, so she wisely kept her mouth shut as the Jedi slowly sat up.

"Who the hell are you?" Crystal demanded, not bothering to waste time with drooling STAR WARS fans.

"I could ask the same of you," the young man answered. Brittany almost fainted. The accent was apparently too much for her overwhelmed senses to handle.

"Yeah, well, I asked first."

"Obi-Wan Kenobi. You?"

Brittany let out a tiny squeal. "Uh, I mean, I'm Brittany. But you can call me Jaina. If you want. I mean, uh, oh, crap, I got nuttin'."

Obi-Wan turned to Crystal. "Are you the sane one?"

"Nope. But Brittany ain't gonna be saying anything coherent for a while. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a complete MORON and have a fair idea who and quit possibly what you are."

"Really. And that would be...?"Obi-Wan left the statement open for completion.

"OOO! OOO! I know! I know! You're Obi-Wan Kenobi! And you're a Jedi Knight! And that's Qui-Gon Jinn, and he's your Master! And you are HERE!" Brittany cried, jumping to her feet. "I never thought I'd see the day..."

"And again I must ask you who you are," Obi-Wan said as he slowly turned away from Brittany.

"I am the Ruler of All the Universes." _Ha beat that Miss I-want-Obi-Wan- Kenoball._

"You're kidding," was the dry remark.

"Well actually I'm Crystal, but it amounts to the same thing."

Obi-Wan just rolled his eyes. "I think I liked the crazy one better than the megalomaniac."

Brittany didn't have the time to respond to that because that was the exact moment two things happened. First, Qui-Gon decided to wake up and join the living for a while. Second, another big explosion echoed through the room as Tom Paris and Seven of Nine fell into the distant tree.

"Sonofabich!" Tom didn't even take the time to be creative. "When you entrust someone with the responsibility of sending you somewhere you expect them NOT to land you somewhere with a TREE UP YOUR ASS!" _Oh yeah, that felt good._

"Mr. Paris I seem to have some biological difficulties. Can you assist me?" Seven was clinging to a branch with her knees and observing a rather large gash in her left arm.

"Define biological difficulties. Does it mean you got TREE STUCK UP YOUR ASS?" Tom was forming an obsession.

Seven was unable to reply because at that moment someone who was trying to climb up the tree fell in what sounded like a painful descent.

"OOOWWWW! That really hurt. I mean for the love of whatever god you believe in the hurt like a bitch." Crystal momentarily forgot about the oh-so-delicious man in the tree as she heard a loud "CRACK". The puny branch Seven was seated on top of gave way to the sudden weight. "Oh, why me?" Crystal tried rolling away but you know with the pain and all it was all but impossible.

"The nanoprobes have repaired my injury and I am in good health. All is well." Seven had a one-track mind.

"Hey, you metal-brained, bacteria-carrying, fungus-inducing, bottom-dwelling, cat suit-wearing, over-achieving, gut-wrenching, parasite-eating, bitch!" Crystal has some regressed aggressions.

Tom stood on his precarious perch and gave the girl a standing ovation. "Damn straight!"

Crystal carefully _shoved_ Seven off the tree branch and onto her ass and tried to stand up with some dignity. Tried, but failed miserably. She realized who was giving her said ovation.

"Ooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about!"

Brittany leaned over to Obi-Wan. "And you thought I was the crazy one." All the Jedi could do was nod.

"I could get me some of that." Crystal wouldn't have cared if she was in the Sahara Desert she would've asked for seconds.

"No you couldn't." Brittany said it as a fact of life.

Obi-Wan snickered. "You can say that again. Hypocrite though you are."

Qui-Gon was finally starting to figure out where he was. That is to say, he began to figure out that he wasn't on the Republic transport anymore. "Obi-Wan?" he asked.

"Yes, Master?" the younger Jedi asked as he turned. Brittany managed to keep her composure this time as she heard the accented voice intone a phrase she had heard countless times before.

"Where exactly are we?"

"Very good question. Unfortunately, I don't have an answer. Any suggestions?" Obi-Wan answered wryly.

Brittany shrugged. "I'm still trying to figure that out myself. All I can say is that we're not in Kansas anymore, Toto."

Obi-Wan gave her a strange look. "I'm Obi-Wan! Who is Toto? And where the heck is Kansas?"

"I know people who have been trying to figure that out for years," Brittany said with a grin.

"Really?" Obi-Wan asked, amazed.

Brittany smirked. "No. There just isn't much to Kansas, it's easy to forget about if it wasn't for a certain movie made however-many years ago called 'The Wizard of Oz'. Long story. I'll tell you later."

"Hullo. I'm Lieutenant Tom Paris of the starship Voyager. That's Seven of Nine. I'd ask where we are but you don't seem to know either so who are you?" Tom's legendary curiosity kicked into high gear.

"I'm Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Knight, and this is my Padawan Learner, Obi-Wan Kenobi."

"I'm Brittany."

"OOOO! I'm Crystal! I'm the Ruler of the Universe! I am omnipotent!"

"You sound like Q."

"That bastard's funny," Crystal knew where she was. She was in her happy place. The only thing she couldn't figure out was what Brittany and those Obi-Gon gin-carrying kenoballs were doing there let alone that incoherent cursing chick was doing.

"Like I said. And you thought I was crazy," Brittany muttered.

"I didn't think you were crazy, just that you were blown away by my incredibly potent presence," Obi-Wan said with a broad smile.

As Brittany privately agreed with that statement, Qui-Gon was saying, "Since when did you get such a swelled head?"

"Yeah! Sheesh, and you called me a megalomaniac!" Crystal added.

Obi-Wan shrugged. "I just have a very magnetic personality, and Brittany here seemed to be the only one who could figure that out."

Brittany beamed as if he had just paid her the highest compliment she could have imagined receiving. Which, seeing as how it was coming from Obi-Wan, it probably was.

"Excuse me, but does anybody care to find out where the Sith we are?" Qui- Gon asked testily.

"I would assist you in attempting to find out, if you wish," Seven said to him.

"Great, you two go have fun and we'll stay here and do something else," Tom said, eager to get rid of Seven.

Qui-Gon headed off towards the tree with Seven close behind.

"Well, now that we've disposed of the party-poopers, what do you want to do first?" Tom asked, imitating an over-excited game show host.

Crystal snickered at the images Tom's question triggered in her mind. "I'll take what's behind door number 3, please," she said with a grin.

"I don't get it," Obi-Wan said under his breath to Brittany.

"Never mind, they have a twisted sense of humor anyway. I wouldn't worry about it," Brittany whispered back.

"I HEARD THAT!" Tom and Crystal shouted together.

"Shutting up," Brittany said, hanging her head and pretending to cower.

Obi-Wan laughed. "Oh, and your sense of humor somehow ISN'T twisted?"

Brittany grinned. "It's twisted, just in a different direction. Why, do I scare you?"

"Surprisingly, no," Obi-Wan admitted. "I've just never met anybody with a 'twisted' sense of humor."

Brittany shrugged. "What can I say? I'm about as twisted as they come! Well, except for these two. Okay, except for Crystal. I haven't known this Tom Paris guy long enough to decide if he's twisted or not."

Crystal laughed evilly. "Oh, he's twisted. He's very twisted."

"I should resent that," Tom said, mildly amused. "Somehow, I don't."

"Anybody who can make a saying out of having a tree up his ass has a VERY twisted sense of humor," Brittany remarked calmly. Obi-Wan nodded and smiled.

"And anybody who is enough of a megalomaniac to insist that they are Ruler of All the Universes has got to have some major problems," he added with a grin.

"I prefer to call them disturbances, thank you very much," Crystal informed them as she turned her back to them and sat on the fallen branch.

"My kinda girl, there," Tom muttered.

"OOOHHHOOOHHHH," Crystal said, drool dripping down her face. She quickly wiped it away.

"Ya need a bucket there, Crystal?" Brittany whispered to her friend.

"No, I just need Tom," Crystal whispered back.

"Let me tell you, I know EXACTLY how you feel," Brittany answered softly with a significant glance in the direction of a certain Jedi Padawan.

"You girls need some time alone?" Tom asked with a knowing twinkle in his eye.

"Not with each other, but yeah who doesn't like a little "alone" time," Crystal lived for this and any other type of banter.

Brittany tried to protect her good girl conscience. "Why don't you two get a room somewhere?"

"You want the broken tree or the empty white landscape?" Crystal was genuinely curious about her friend's answer, so what she got wasn't what she expected.

"Oohh, oohh, I call the tree! Dibs on the tree!" Tom just loved these people.

"Actually, I'd somewhat prefer a tropical island paradise at sunset, but that's just me," Brittany said with a grin.

"Oh, yeah, and where do you plan to find one of those, Brittany?" Crystal said sarcastically.

"Right over there, behind that cruise ship, the one with the broken palm tree and the luxury cottage for two," Brittany answered as the background they were surrounded by rippled and changed before their eyes.

"Hey, wait a minute, I don't want the tree after all! Dibs on the cottage!" Tom said as he dashed for the small, expensive bungalow.

"Hang on there, buddy," Obi-Wan said, using a Force trick to stop the helmsman in his tracks. "You wanted the tree, you get the damn tree. As for me, well, I'll be needing some companionship in that cottage over there. Any takers?"

Brittany just beamed and, doing something she never thought she'd have courage to do in a million years, reached over and kissed the Jedi as passionately as she could.

"I'll, uh, take that as a 'yes'," Obi-Wan said as he gasped for breath.

"Actually, it was more like a HELL YEAH!" Tom said before Brittany could answer.

"I'm not going to argue," Obi-Wan said. "Come on, Brittany, I'm going to re-define 'a Jedi feels no passion'!"

"What about Brad, Brittany?" Crystal asked accusingly, already knowing the answer.

"Brad who?" Brittany shouted over her shoulder as Obi-Wan led her into the cottage.

"Hey, Obi, just keep in mind that I'm only 16 over here and I'd like to keep certain parts of my dignity intact."

"Damn. How far are you willing to go?"

"Let's just say I'd like to keep my clothes on."

"Whatever you say, baby."

Tom grinned at Crystal. "Well, if a tree is all I get, then a tree is all I get. Unless you're willing to help me in that area..."

Crystal smiled. "Would you take it as a yes if I kissed you?"

"That depends. Wanna give it a try?" Tom asked, his grin broadening.

The next thing he knew, Crystal had tried to tackle him by flying at him at warp 10. Her arms wrapped around his waist, and they sunk behind the tree branch.

Unfortunately, this was the exact time Qui-Gon and Seven decided that it was useless to go on searching for an answer, so they decided to go back to where they had started from. Both were very surprised to find that the white wasteland was devoid of human life forms, and the tree branch that had been on the ground when they'd left had somehow disappeared along with them. It took them about fifteen minutes to figure out what had happened, and then when they finally wished themselves to where the couples had disappeared to, they only found four somewhat-drunk people sleeping soundly around the missing tree branch, and the secret was not out. (Which was a good thing for Obi-Wan; if Qui-Gon had caught him he'd have been systematically stripped of his Jedi status and then of his manhood.)

The time flux decided that the group had had enough fun for one day, so it set them all zooming back to when and where they had come from with no memory of the events that had taken place (except for a vague sense of deja-vu as Brittany and Crystal thought of their respective partners). When they got back, they deleted all they had written and wrote a very detailed report of what had happened even though they could not remember any of it. After all, where else would we have come up with such a loony idea for a fanfic?

And, as the great (well, actually, everybody) likes to say:

THE END

Author's note—Jaina Kenobi: Don't ask. Just don't ask. Smile, and nod. Smile, and nod. The thing about the twisted sense of humor? It's all true. However, I do have to admit that Crystal and I don't usually fight that much. Or jump on guys. We're tired. It's 2:07 a.m. and we were bored. Give us a break.

Author's Note—Starbucks: first off as for the nickname i hate coffee i love the x-files okay the characters are far from true to their real personalities but... it was fun my first finished fic (brittany did most the work) my others are more serious i'd apologize but mother always told me never to lie

Dammit Crystal, don't you know what punctuation is?

obviously not hehehe


End file.
